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I hate that Amara didn’t get to graduate with me. Now, it’s the end of May, and graduation is tomorrow. I’ve been thinking about that cold reality of having to go back to campus and she not be there. How am I to live in a world where she doesn’t exist? We had so many memories here at Sensil. Of course, our majors led us to different paths, but we’d always meet and catch up. Tears come again as I think about the cafeteria and having to walk past the fountain- the 2 places we’d hang out the most. We had the best times at the cafeteria; it’s where a majority of us clowning around took place. The fountain…where we’d sit and talk of what we wanted out of life. We talked about everything there. How am I to live in a world where she doesn’t exist? 

Graduation Day

Being back here…it’s hard to…it’s hard to just be. You know I…I really thought being back out would help me be “normal” again. I mean… some parts of me are improving. Like, I’m able to think on some of the memories I’ve had with Amara and smile…a faint smile- but a smile nevertheless.     

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But, the hardest part about being here is this invisible wall I feel all around me. I can’t tell it’s there until I try to speak to a mutual friend Amara and I have- had. Every time, it ends with the same result: I see them; a piece of me wants to say ‘hi’, but when I try to speak, only silence comes from me; and so, I avoid eye contact or fake being busy to avoid them. It’s not until after that moment that I realize how exhausting it is to try to speak and socialize. After these failed interactions, I feel so defeated and physically drained. 

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Maybe it’s the battle that’s taking place within me that drains me so quickly: the “Before Me” who doesn’t mind speaking to others and loves to be friendly VS the “After Me” who is mostly mute and can’t even speak a simple hello to an old acquaintance. 

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During what is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life (getting my Associate’s degree), I feel stuck and numb; honestly, I just want to get it over with. I just can’t find it in me to muster up the happiness I’m supposed to feel. Amara and I were supposed to be here together. 

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After sitting in a hot gown, waiting for over 100 names to be called, and “smiling for the camera” during the family photos, I get back to my apartment. I set my keys down, go to my room, and change clothes.

SILENT GRIEF

I’ve had an abundance of time to reflect. In my life, my best friend was Amara. She was who I’d spent most of my social time with because we’d known each other so long (since Middle School). I’ve realized that I didn’t build any strong friendships outside of Amara. I have other friends but apparently, our friendship isn’t strong enough for them to reach out to me during one of the worst times of my life. 

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But I remember that I haven’t reached out to them during what I’m sure is one of the worst times of their lives because they lost Amara too. They’re going through hurt just like me. But, since this is how it all turned out, I find myself here. Alone.

If you gave up, no one would notice. This thought killed me because I know it’s true. The only one who could tell the difference between my times of silence was Amara. She knew when my silence meant I was busy, and she also knew when it meant I needed time. She knew me...I am to live in a world where the only one who knew me is in the ground. These truths hit me hard, and I can’t dodge the blows. You don’t have to keep trying; you’re tired-  exhausted. You can stop and just…give up. No one would notice.  I sit in the dark on the floor and wait. I don’t know what for, but I wait.