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Table of Contents
🏢Today feels a lot like yesterday
Page 1
Too familiar.
Lately, my “yesterdays”, “tomorrows”, and “today” all look the same.
I thought I could play this game of “Life” long enough to get what I need
and leave.
I dream of doing more.
But in order to get where I want to go,
I have to put time in here .
When I first applied for this job,
I thought I’d be here for only a little while, but
life has a way of proving me wrong.
So with the “Collect and Leave” plan going to shambles,
I figure I’d hang on-
Get used to it.
Tolerate it.
But…
things are starting to get on my nerves.
The Things: Travis, management, customers, and just people in general.
This game of hanging on is starting to wear on me.
I feel like I should be more.
I feel like I am more than this.
But who am I to try something new?
🏠Home
Page 2
Family gatherings.
You got to love them. Literally.
-because your attendance is dang near mandatory.
Unc and grandpa grilling on the patio
while the kids run around in the backyard.
Old school blues blasting so loud,
you wonder how in the world
are the aunties carrying on their conversations
and actually understanding each other.
For me…
the biggest problem is finding the right spot
where my presence is known
but I can be “absent” at the same time.
I don’t need to sit by the kids because -
there'll be too many questions.
I don’t need to sit by the elders because-
there'll be too many questions.
I hear yelling over this music
which is surprising,
and I notice everyone heading toward the grill.
It’s only been an hour-
it’s too early for the food to be ready.
Oh no. Family debate.
Apparently, the argument is Bracy’s VS Sasha’s PorkStop:
who has the best BBQ?
My cousin Justice even turned the music down.
Now, I know it’s serious.
From the looks of it,
the aunties think it’s Sasha’s PorkStop,
but the uncles think it’s Bracy’s.
I haven’t had either
so I just stand toward the back of the crowd.
I remember the last family debate.
Let’s just say it was more…
intense.
I remember Tasha told Aunt Josephine
that she was becoming a vegetarian and..
somehow that translated into
“Tasha thinks she too good to eat our food.”
It became a whole thing.
Our family means well,
but they just don’t like change.
“If it ain’t broke…”
has been rooted in everything from
drinking habits to job choices.
The unspoken rule has been
“You stay where you are, do what we do,
and that’s just how it is.”
If you do anything other than that,
expect side eyes and
“You think you better than us” comments.
💭Scared to stay…Scared of being stuck
Page 3
Clocking in.
I walk to my small cubicle
and I see Travis is waiting for me…
with a stack of papers.
I tell him good morning
but he only replies with a list of to-do’s.
Apparently, management said
all those documents he’s holding
need to be analyzed, filed, and entered
into the database by tomorrow morning.
Interesting….
I have an inkling that tells me
he’s forgetting the pronouns included in the email.
I’m sure they told him
to file, analyzed, and enter
the files in the database.
Why?
Because the only job supervisors have
is filing reports and supervising.
Sitting here with his workload
and mines,
I exhale trying to keep my emotions
from flaring up.
I watch Travis walk back to his desk
and I know he’s just going to be goofing off
watching movies or some nonsense.
As I mean-mug the back of his head,
I get a vision out of nowhere.
I’m staring at the back of Travis’s head
that has way more grey hairs
and I look down at my hands
that have more wrinkles now.
We’ve aged.
How old am I?
…How long am I going to be here?
Startled, I go to the restroom
to splash some water on my face.
Looking in the mirror
I see no wrinkles just bags
under my eyes.
“What am I doing?”
I can’t stay here forever.
🌤️The planting of a seed…brighter days ahead
Page 4
The thought of being stuck there
scares me.
I moved my availability at work
to make more time for me.
During this time, I’ve chosen
to invest in myself.
I invest in myself more of Him-
my Source of Peace,
The One who saved me during my darkest times.
In this time, I’ve found myself
sitting in silence
and meditating on His Love for me.
In this time, I’ve found myself
reading His Word.
I’ve prayed to Him
and listened for a response.
Then, I had another vision
of an office,
but this one was large
and had beautiful decorations.
I turned around,
I saw my name engraved as the CEO.
Then, the vision ended.
It brings me peace to know
that being stuck
isn’t my only option.
🥊My future is worth fighting for
Page 5
I don’t quit my job outright.
I still put up with Travis’s foolery,
but I am preparing a new path for myself.
I don’t want my family to think
differently of me.
I don’t want them to think
that me trying to do more
means I’m trying to be better than them.
If this all goes to smoke,
I especially don’t want them to see me fail.
I’m scared, but…
Some things are worth rocking the boat for.
I have to go.
I have to try.
🌱A seedling of what’s to come
Page 6
WHAT FEELS LIKE A YEAR LATER…
I did it.
I’m halfway done with my online classes.
Enrolling in the Journalism Program
has been one of the greatest decisions of my life.
It’s been a struggle
balancing my job
with school
and working as an intern at Z Magazine.
To celebrate
me,
I am ordering takeout,
getting a good movie going,
and enjoying an evening
to myself.
Nothing like
Chinese food and
a good action movie.
No work.
No stress.
Just relaxing…
because,
I’m slowly learning
I am worth celebrating.
✨A whole new world or is it the same…
Page 7
OH MY!
IWASATZMAGAZINEANDLEEREADMYARTICLEAND!
Let me catch my breath.
*exhales*
I was at Z Magazine
and Lee read my article
from one of my past assignments.
HE INVITED ME TO THE BIG M.G.
EVENT THIS WEEKEND!
From what I hear, only the best of the team
get to cover the M.G. event.
Lee said with my potential, he thinks it’ll be good for me to
see the hands-on side of journalism.
AHHHH! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
I’M ACTUALLY—
🔔Just a different level?
Page 8
Page 9
Page 10
My alarm goes off. I wake up to see…I wake up. Wait. NO!! A dream? Not again! It felt so real this time.
I cry at the thought of me being back to where I used to be. “You stay where you are…and that’s just how it is” replays in my head. I exhale, dry my tears, and get ready for work. I’m so tired of this.
45 Minutes later–
Clocking in. I walk to my small cubicle and I see Travis is waiting for me with a stack of papers. I murmur “good morning”, but he only replies with a list of to-do’s. Management said all those documents he’s holding need to be analyzed, filed, and entered into the data database by tomorrow morning.
Saddened that I’m still here and there’s no internship, no Lee, and no M.G., I zone out Travis and stare at my hands. No wrinkles…not yet.
“Excuse me? Are you not listening?” Travis snaps his fingers in my face.
I give a death glare. “What.” I look up at him. My eyes drift down to the white supervisor's pin on his shirt. SUPERVISOR TRAVIS HUGHMAN. Hughman…how did I not notice Travis’s last name was Hughman. Travis notices that I’m looking at his pin and smirks.
“If you expect to keep your position here, I suggest you get to work. If you do good, then maybe I’ll tell my father to promote you. Maybe. Here.” He puts his workload on my desk and walks away.
I work at Hughman Center for the boss’s son. How did I not know he was the Boss’s son? Travis Hughman is only my supervisor because he came out of the right womb. That’s it. You know what…being here is nothing but a waste. I thought I could collect my chips and someday go live out my dreams but…that’s what they want me to believe.
Carrot on a stick.
Why the heck am I waiting? Then I reflect on the unspoken rule that’s been passed down in my family.
“If it ain't broke”...why am I waiting for something to break to finally move?
“You stay where you are”...the only people who benefit from me staying where I am are the Travis Hughmans- the people who are the reason we break down in the first place because they throw their loads on us.
“Do what we do”…work to the bone, drink to the dregs, and stack our chips for the winter which leads back to working to the bone and being so unsatisfied, we drink to the dregs so we can tolerate our lives while we stack our chips waiting to live.
“And that’s just how it is”...or is that just how we choose for it to be?
Carrot on a stick.
I’m done pursuing what has been mapped out for me. Being with the masses hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I’ve been in this same spot every since high school. I’m done. I start a new document on my computer and begin typing.
Once I finish and hit print, I pack my stuff and walk out of my cubicle. I get the workload and return it back to its owner: Travis.
“I’m done.” I barge into Travis’s office and set the files on his desk.
“There’s no way you’re finished that quickly.” He says as he pauses whatever movie he is watching on his computer.
“I’m done with my work, not yours. Here’s my notice- effective immediately.” I put my notice on top of the papers and left.
Performing these same duties over and over again isn’t enough for me. I don’t think I am the right fit for this job anymore.
I laugh a little as I leave the building. I’m firing myself.
🔎Finding me…
Page 11
Page 12
God has given me the answer to the question of “who am I” many times- my fears just echoed louder. Before, I was just too comfortable chasing the standards I learned as a child- the standards others placed on me. To truly become who He has destined me to be, I have to release the version of me that is comfortable accepting the scraps of what life could be.🌤️
2 ACTUAL SEMESTERS LATER—
I’m halfway done with the classes I need to get my associate’s degree. One year left and I am so happy. I’m on FAFSA, and I work at the public library. I’m not making as much as I used to at the Hughman Center, but it’s enough. They work around my school schedule, and I get to work on my assignments while on the clock.
Right now, I am in ENG 1123: English Composition II. Our lecture is on persuasive writing. Last week, it was on informative writing. We had to write a 3-5 page paper on whatever topic we chose. Grades were released yesterday, and I made an A!
“That’s it for today. You all have a good rest of your day.” Professor Stanford says as she walks to her desk.
I pack my laptop in my bag and proceed towards the door, but I hear Professor Stanford call me.
“Yes?” I say as I turn around.
“Your paper. It was good. What’s your major?” Professor Stanford is the most to-the-point professor I’ve met.
“Journalism. I figure I’d pursue something I knew I liked.” I tell her.
“Journalism…that’s good.” Professor Stanford begins to put her locs into a low ponytail. “Do you plan on working at a newspaper or magazine of some sort?” She asks.
“Yes, actually, I plan on working at Z Magazine. I’m in line for an internship.” I can’t hide the spark in my eye as I think back on that old dream I had.
“That’s good. That’s good.” Ms. Stanford takes a pause to contemplate something. “What about your own thing? You ever thought about starting your own blog? Those pick up pretty good. You know Pioneer Woman started off as a blog?”
“No, I never thought about doing a blog. I wouldn’t know where to start.” I look toward the ground. A blog? Hmm…
“Well, think about it. I was impressed by your paper. I think you got something. It takes real talent to not only have the right information but to also keep a person’s attention.”
“Well, thank you. I appreciate that. I’ll give the blog thing some thought. Thank you again, Professor Stanford.”
She gives me a head tilt and a smile as I leave.
A blog. What would I say?...
🪞Here I am.
Page 13
Page 14
Page 15
Years later…
The young interviewer: “So it all started from a blog?”
Me: “Yes, I followed my old professor’s advice and created my own blog.”
The young interviewer: “Wow, that is amazing. What was your inspiration to keep it going? I know it must have gotten hard to juggle it all.”
Me: ”Honestly, it was God. He inspired me and pushed me to keep going. He kept encouraging me to write my truth. He didn’t let me give up, and now I’m here.”
The young interviewer: “That is beautiful. You are truly an inspiration. Going back to school and quitting the Hughman Center.”
Me: [The name ‘Hughman’ still gives me the chills. Obviously startled, I continue.] “Wow, that was soo long ago. How did you know about that?”
The young interviewer: “Oh, I did my research on you. Your story is an inspiration. Not everyone can accomplish what you have. And I just want to say before you go… that you have really helped me. Your story gave me hope to pursue my dreams. So, thank you.”
Me: [Hearing that I actually helped someone makes me teary eyed every time.] “No, thank you. That just made my day. You have no idea.”
The young interviewer: [smiles back at the camera] “Closing out with a legend. This is Z Magazine from the event of the year: M.G. Extravaganza.”
The camera goes off, and the interviewer turns to me. “I also want to say that you are the reason I applied to Z Magazine. I have always wanted to work in journalism and when you spoke at Campton Community College- I don’t know if you remember that…”
“Yes, that’s where I got my associates. I always go back every once in a while because Campton is where it all started for m- wait- you were there?”
“I was in the back, just passing through. But then I heard you during your speech about chasing but getting nowhere. I stayed to hear you finish speaking and you just made me think about what I truly wanted out of life. I ended up applying for an internship at Z Magazine, and here I am. I’m actually interviewing you. Things have just come full circle.” The interviewer smiles.
“Oh my goodness. That is beautiful. You know honestly, you are inspiring me- telling me that what I’m doing is actually helping means a lot. It’s hard to tell if anyone is actually listening or just trying to earn extra credit.” I laugh a little. “Thank you so much for sharing that. And you know, I applied for an internship at Z Magazine when I was at Campton.”
“Wait, what? I didn’t see that you worked at Z Magazine. I could have sworn I researched everything about you.” The young interviewer says.
“No one knows because I didn’t get the position” I laugh. “But, in turn, I had more time for the blog. And by the time I graduated, the blog was starting to take off. So, I invested more into it, and here we are. So, you keep at. God’s got you. If He can get me here, He can take you anywhere.” I tell the young interviewer.
“I’m just so nervous. How did you get confident enough to step out? This is all so…” The young interviewer looks around at the event with the paparazzi’s flashing cameras, the elegantly dressed celebrities, and big brand representatives going about.
I look out at the M.G. chaos and listen to the overlapping voices of interviews. “I know it’s scary to step out, but you can do it... It’s as simple as following God’s lead on your journey, then you won't have to doubt if you’re going the right way.”
“Thank you. It has been a pleasure.” The young interviewer shakes my hand, and we go our separate ways.
I go to the restroom because I need a break from the flashing lights. Once in, I go to the sink to dab some water on my face. I look in the mirror and smile at my reflection. I feel God’s peace within me. I take a deep breath.
It’s hard to believe that I’m here… at this grand place. Yet, I know even this is not my end. I’m going to keep on...
Emerging from the shadows,
Adjusting to the new,
and Learning as I travel through.
